I know a lot of people have said "I hate being labeled" and I truly do...and here is why. When we take on a label we have an urging, either from others already in the group or by some internal need to belong to take on the full mantel of what that label means.
In the early years of high school, I wasn't truly an *NSYNC fan for simply enjoying their music. No, I had to cover my notebook in stickers, buy the dolls, go to concert, and dye my hair blond. (not to mention...learning the dances) It wasn't enough to be an enjoyer, I had to be a fan.
I feel the same way about my sexuality. When I wear the cloak of gay...I don't enjoy every aspect. I mean, I do enjoy that it is multi-colored and covered in sparkles, but I don't really like being labeled gay. It might be my religious/conservative upbringing trying to digs its way out of miles of Elton John sunglasses, RuPaul tv shows, drunken nights of Sex In The City, and feather boas. So, I go to the closet and pick the other cloak, the straight cloak. Under this one I don't feel any better. In the end its like getting asked out to prom and truly not being able to find the perfect dress.
So, my problem is not that I am a messed up person, its that I don't fit in. I spent my entire life believing that grace came through fitting in, in finding the right outfit and looking like everyone else. I am slowly learning that grace is for me...grace is for the misfit. Definitions are important in some areas of life, but not all.
I am me. Am I straight? No. Am I gay? No. Am I the ever feared bi-sexual...? Not at all. I am just me. A totally unique creation who will (maybe) find someone one day to fall in love with. I have this feeling out there...that there is another person out there, who might be just as undefinable as I am, and maybe they pick up where I leave off and vice versa. We commit to each other and make a single, undefinable whole.
The problem was never that I didn't want to have sex with women (i mean, I don't, but I am cool with it as an expression of love between to people, but I am not going out to a club tonight just for a hook up) but it was that I had to change. I never slept with a guy, but I was told I had to act and be a certain way. I was taught I had to prove my masculinity. I know now that is total crap.
As I embark on a new adventure...I take comfort in knowing...I am what I am. I am that I am. I am made in the image of God and don't have to put labels on myself.
10 years ago
