I know a lot of people have said "I hate being labeled" and I truly do...and here is why. When we take on a label we have an urging, either from others already in the group or by some internal need to belong to take on the full mantel of what that label means.
In the early years of high school, I wasn't truly an *NSYNC fan for simply enjoying their music. No, I had to cover my notebook in stickers, buy the dolls, go to concert, and dye my hair blond. (not to mention...learning the dances) It wasn't enough to be an enjoyer, I had to be a fan.
I feel the same way about my sexuality. When I wear the cloak of gay...I don't enjoy every aspect. I mean, I do enjoy that it is multi-colored and covered in sparkles, but I don't really like being labeled gay. It might be my religious/conservative upbringing trying to digs its way out of miles of Elton John sunglasses, RuPaul tv shows, drunken nights of Sex In The City, and feather boas. So, I go to the closet and pick the other cloak, the straight cloak. Under this one I don't feel any better. In the end its like getting asked out to prom and truly not being able to find the perfect dress.
So, my problem is not that I am a messed up person, its that I don't fit in. I spent my entire life believing that grace came through fitting in, in finding the right outfit and looking like everyone else. I am slowly learning that grace is for me...grace is for the misfit. Definitions are important in some areas of life, but not all.
I am me. Am I straight? No. Am I gay? No. Am I the ever feared bi-sexual...? Not at all. I am just me. A totally unique creation who will (maybe) find someone one day to fall in love with. I have this feeling out there...that there is another person out there, who might be just as undefinable as I am, and maybe they pick up where I leave off and vice versa. We commit to each other and make a single, undefinable whole.
The problem was never that I didn't want to have sex with women (i mean, I don't, but I am cool with it as an expression of love between to people, but I am not going out to a club tonight just for a hook up) but it was that I had to change. I never slept with a guy, but I was told I had to act and be a certain way. I was taught I had to prove my masculinity. I know now that is total crap.
As I embark on a new adventure...I take comfort in knowing...I am what I am. I am that I am. I am made in the image of God and don't have to put labels on myself.

The space between us

You.

Closer. How I want you closer.
Closer winds. Closer branches.
Closer to the heart. My heart.
Closer to the ocean of time.
Trapped within my beating tissue.
Touching your warm body.
Touching your heart. Your heart.
Touching Winds. Touching Branches.
Touching. How I want you touching.

Me.

I've tried to forget you.
Tried to release you.
Tried to push you away.

But when the sun goes down
and the fog rolls in.
Its your image that creeps in my mind.

The Commandments for Gay Christians

Mel White says we should always know what the other side is doing. For that reason I read the websites of people like Focus On The Family, The Christian Coalition, The Christian Broadcasting Network, and other sites that oppose civil rights to gays in the name of Christ and love. I also read what my side is publishing so that I can attempt to have a balanced view of the current situation. On one of the pro-gay sites, I found the following: 

The Commandments for Gay Christians!

1.Do not commit RAPE. 

2.Do not engage in PROSTITUTION. 

3.Do not take CHILDREN as sex partners. 

4.Do not MUTILATE YOUR BODY to conform to human concepts of gender. 

5. Do not LIE about your LGBT status. 

7. Do not refer to yourself or others of your kind as PERVERTS, FAGGOTS, QUEERS, DYKES, TRANNIES, B***** or other derogatory names. 

8. Do not enter into “EX-GAY” THERAPY, be it secular or religious in nature.

9. Do not engage in sex practices that ENDANGER YOUR HEALTH or the health of others. 

10. Do not attend or support an ANTI-GAY CHURCH. 

11. Do not follow the doctrines of any religious teacher except JESUS CHRIST, your SAVIOR

Commandment number 3 really angers me. The fact that as gay men people still believe we are a danger to children. I love kids, I love working with them, I love teaching them, and I love making a positive impact in their lives. When I come home, and am looking for sexual intimacy, I want a man. A bulky, beautiful, man. I understand that there are pedophiles in the world, and that there are same sex pedophiles, but why do we get lumped into the same category as them. Then we have to defend ourselves, making sure that people who aren't familiar with gays know that we aren't pedophiles. It is still so big of a deal that the writer of the Commandments felt that it needed to be included. On this topic, let us not forget this shining moment in gay history. 

I am sitting at work.
Hoping, maybe even praying that you will call.
Or email, just give me a little something.
Because we throw around the word love
like a baseball and I am hoping just this once
they will play this game with me.

The Glass Closet

In trying to give me situation a name I think that I have finally settled on "the glass closet." I needed something that describes the gay man who isn't in the closet or out of it, but as out as the emotional baggage and religious obligation will allow.  The man in the the glass closet is transparent to those around him, open and honest, but is forced to run at the first sign of any real contact with another man. 

My diagnosis, while self fitting, has come from my observations of my roommate. We are indeed birds of a feather, the only major difference being I have only recently left the comfort of hiding in a small, conservative Texas town and he has been free of that for some time. Watching him makes me fear the time when I might have to wear the same shoes and make the same choices. 

Watching him, struggle, wanting to be happy and not being able to find the happiness in the arms of some one else. Left to wonder. 

I know this is only the beginning of my journey in the glass closet. Not knowing where it might end, I have made a promise to track the journey to its end. And see what happens. For me and my roommate. 

Breath.
Simple choice.
In and out, in and out.
Every moment.
Stop.

Making the choice everyday to love life.